Tag Archives: infertility

Lady of Rage

Standard
Lady of Rage

So today I found out I have an obsessive personality.  Here I go diagnosing myself again.  Why you may ask?  Let me tell you.

When I like something I really like it! Like a lot. 

In sixth grade I REALLY liked this guy.  He had a favorite rap song.  To impress him I learned all the lyrics to the song and rapped it to him on the phone. 

Where was my mother?

Lol!

I’m pretty sure he just took pity on me because our “relationship” lasted a matter of minutes.

But guess what I don’t have to like something to obsess over it.  When I was diagnosed with endometriosis I came home and read for hours.  I found out cutting gluten would increase my chances of both reducing pain and getting pregnant.  I threw away literally EVERYTHING in my pantry.  Everything that had any spec of gluten. 

Is this NORMAL?  I mean I guess people get excited about things right?  And who wouldn’t want to increase your chances of getting pregnant after years of trying.  And let’s not even talk about 12 year olds and what goes on in their minds.

But the issue is after I obsess I jet.  Quick, hard, and often with a bang. 

I told that guy he was an idiot, hung up the phone, and never talked to him again.  I saw him a few years ago and totally had to avoid eye contact. 

After not eating gluten for a month, I took a pregnancy test.  It was negative.  I went to In N Out.

Ok so that’s totally normal right?! Right!

WHO knows…..

Maybe it is or isn’t.  I just don’t give a crap anymore.  Life is imperfectly perfect.

Things don’t always go as planned.

Stop giving yourself a hard time and eat some animal style fries.

Ok maybe not every time you are sad, but you get it.  Overall, we are terribly hard on ourselves.  These past few weeks I’ve made a lot of mistakes; professionally, personally, and in parenting.  Some have hurt.  Bad.

But guess what some felt really good. 

Take a risk!

Rap!

Live.

Always with love,

Modo

Advertisements

Genesis 10 month update: Summertime Fun

Standard
Genesis 10 month update: Summertime Fun

Hey Munchkin,

Genesis!!!!! I am convinced you love your name because the look you give me while running down the hall, as I am yelling it, is pure joy. I guess we can call it running but really it’s a fast paced waddle; that tends to end in giggling falls down the hallway, as Daddy chases you laughing “I’m going to get you”. Pure joy. We laugh so much now. You make us realize that life is so sweet and to enjoy it more; you know don’t sweat the small stuff. Something else you have loved this month is all the summertime fun: you had your first time in the pool, went to pool parties, baby showers, and even the county fair. We have had a blast. We can’t wait to spend the rest of the summer outdoors; smiling and laughing the time away.

More sleepover fun with  Zoe

More sleepover fun with Zoe

Pool party for your buddy Roy

Pool party for your buddy Roy

Sleepovers with cousin Zoe

Sleepovers with cousin Zoe

Getting ready for the pool

Getting ready for the pool

First time in the pool

First time in the pool

Other things we noticed:
-You have started sharing: you love putting food in our mouths, handing us toys
-You are trying your best to say words: Dad, dog, bye, hi, and mom are some of your favorites
-You wave hi and bye when Daddy leaves for work

10 months

10 months

You love:
-the water; either it be the pool, pool parties, or even the bathtub
-trying new foods, we have tried pasta and meat this month
-running down the hallway, especially when Daddy chases you

10 months

10 months

You could pass on:
-your own food; you absolutely love eating off Mommy’s plate
-shoes; we had the hardest time getting you to walk in shoes, we have tried over four pair now
-getting out of any body of water, there are always a lot of tears involved

Always with love,

Modo

Minute with Modo (#15): Time flies

Standard

Time Flies

20140704-232125-84085578.jpg

20140704-232153-84113371.jpg

20140704-232428-84268062.jpg

Today at dinner, while our daughter slept (parents of small children know that deserves a whoop whoop); my husband and I talked about how fast life is moving now that we have a child. After some discussion we realized time wasn’t moving faster…not at all…our time just has more meaning now. I won’t go into how much meaning our lives had before her (it did), but will just sit in the fact that our lives have even more now.

For that I am grateful.

Always with love,

Modo

Love is…

Standard

20140529-114945.jpg

I’ve had some amazing teachers in my life that have taught me lessons that have carried me through dark times. But, there has been on teacher in particular that has taught me lessons I never thought possible. Babe you have taught me what TRUE LOVE is…not that fairy tale roses and gifts love but that raw, unconditional, agape love. As we prepare to celebrate our five year anniversary tomorrow (and 13 years together) I want to thank you for being such a gentle, kind, and loving teacher…never boastful, harsh, or inconsiderate. Thank you for teaching me love is:

-holding me tighter when I had given up on us…love is…
-never thinking I was less of a woman when the doctors said you can’t have babies, but actually thinking I was more of a woman because of it…love is….
-loving our little miracle baby like a father should love a daughter and getting so excited when she does anything new…love is…
-being a man of God…love is….
-holding my hand through countless and countless doctors appointments and always lightening the mood to calm my nerves…love is…
-getting up before the sun and coming home after the sunset to ensure your family has all that we need…love is…
-loving people in spite of…love is…
-grabbing a sponge and helping me clean up poop, pee, and whatever else our baby girl throws at us that day…love is…
-ALWAYS coming to me at the end of the day and asking “are you ok?”…love is…
-YOU!

I couldn’t have prayed for a better man! Happy anniversary baby and here’s to 50 more!

Genesis Five Month Update: The Girl Who Found Her Voice

Standard
Genesis Five Month Update: The Girl Who Found Her Voice

“To the world you may be ONE PERSON, but to ONE PERSON you may be the world”

Hey Sugar Plum,

Can’t believe it’s time to write another update, but time is flying by! You are five months old and really getting this “growing up thing” down. Some may call me crazy, but I have already started mentally preparing your first birthday party. The more time we spend together the more we become in sync and start to understand each other; especially non-verbally. Some of the best moments are when we just sit quietly and talk with our hearts. However, this month you have found your voice and LOVE using it. You have developed this high pitch scream…should I say perfected this high pitch scream (because you practice a lot); used mostly to express moments of joy. You also have learned how to “fake”; fake cough, fake cry, and fake not being sleepy (this one is your favorite). One thing you are very open and honest about though is how much you love us this month! You pull me and Daddy’s faces when you want to kiss and hug (it seriously melts us every time). Needless to say it was another great month on the books and I couldn’t be happier having you with us. Check out some other exciting moments from the month below.

Lake Arrowhead- you went on your first family vacation and first hike.

Lake Arrowhead- you went on your first family vacation and first hike.

Mommy’s Birthday – I got to celebrate my 30th birthday while on our family vacation!  Hands down the most meaningful birthday ever.

Mommy’s Birthday – I got to celebrate my 30th birthday while on our family vacation! Hands down the most meaningful birthday ever.

 First sleepover – Cousin Zoe spent the weekend with us!  You two had a blast.

First sleepover – Cousin Zoe spent the weekend with us! You two had a blast.

Your first Valentine’s Day

Visitors from NYC – Aaron and Victoria (Mommy’s friends from college) came to visit !

Visitors from NYC – Aaron and Victoria (Mommy’s friends from college) came to visit !

Other things we have noticed this month:
-Your hair is starting to grow in pretty curly and thick! It had started to thin out a bit in the back (where you sleep), but now it’s growing in pretty fast.
– First laugh (Jan 22)
– You are starting to sit up (unassisted)!

Such a big girl sitting up!

Such a big girl sitting up!

You LOVE:
-WATER! Bath time has become one of your favorites; you love splashing the water with your feet onto your face.
-MUSIC! Anytime I have it on in the car or the house you kick, squeal, and even try and hum.
– eating your toes more than milk; anytime you can get those things in your mouth you try.
-T.V. You become mesmerized when it’s on (maybe because I don’t let you watch it often).
-Mommy and Me class. We went to our first one this month and you loved all the colors and noise in the room. The instructor also has a really happy voice that you are amused by.

Delicious!

Delicious!

You could pass on:
-Strangers. When people you don’t know try and approach you it tends to not end too well; unless they are babies or toddlers.
-being put down. This month you were attached to mommy and daddy.
-being indoors. You are so much like Daddy in this area. Mommy could cuddle up and watch movies all day, but Daddy loves being outside.

Happiest Baby on the Block

Happiest Baby on the Block

Chillin with Mr. Frog

Chillin with Mr. Frog

Our Angel

Our Angel

Always with love,
Modo

Party of Four: Mommy Breakdown!

Standard
Party of Four: Mommy Breakdown!

“Happy is he that is happy in his children” -Thomas Fuller

Baby Notes: Well it finally happened! I had my first Mommy breakdown. At our 38 week checkup my cervix was closed and high. I had high hopes that at our 39 week checkup it would be a dramatic difference since I did almost everything in my power to make this baby come into the world (this is me being dramatic as I really didn’t do much but walk a bit). At my 39 week checkup my doctor said I was still closed and high. I remained stoic throughout the rest of the appointment and shed a few tears of disappointment when I got in the car, but it wasn’t until I heard my mother’s voice on the line when I really just broke down. I cried like my heart just had been broken for the first time. I sobbed. Uncontrollably. After I was able to finally take a breath we talked about my expectations and how I had to release them in order to continue to enjoy the remainder of my pregnancy. This may be the first moment in my life in which I have absolutely no control over when something will occur and a part of me is terrified about that. Control makes me feel secure. Labor is so unpredictable that I have come to accept that I am more afraid of the unknown rather than the pain at this point. However, there is always a silver lining. Genesis will be the beginning of so many unpredictable moments and this labor is preparing me for that journey ahead. I pray that I start to find peace in releasing control and recognizing the freedom and joy in the journey. This little girl has taught me more in these past ten months than I have learned in almost 30 years.

Freedom

Freedom

Week 39 Updates:

Appointments: I am totally nervous because my doctor goes on vacation at the end of next week!!! I do NOT want to have the baby without her. We have established quite a good relationship and she is completely on board with all my wishes. I fear that I will get placed with a doctor that will challenge my natural birth choices, so I have over planned with making tons of copies of my birth plan to hang in my room and gotten copies of all my labs to assist with releasing my placenta.

Maternity Clothes: I hope Genesis comes soon because my maternity clothes are starting to rise up a bit too much! I was in the store the other day and saw a man stare at me. I am use to this as I have a bowling ball hanging from my stomach. But this guy was looking hard. I finally realized my bare belly was hanging out of my shirt! EMBARRASSING!!!!

Contractions: I have been having contractions late at night for a few hours, but they tend to be inconsistent and stop around 3am.

Due date: I have started to come to realize that she may just come past her due date…something I was not prepared to accept, but hey it gives me one more day of Drop Dead Diva!

39 weeks

39 weeks

Baby Updates:

Today the baby is the size of: watermelon

Cravings: Jamba Juice

Next Appointment: Sept 12th

Mochi Update: No Update

Mommy feels: HEAVY! I can totally feel that baby girl is growing this week and I literally have to walk around with my hands under my belly to help with the pain from the extra weight.

Coming next week: 40 week post…or a Welcome New Baby Post (crossing our fingers).

Thank you for joining us on this wonderful journey!

Always with love,
Modo

Party of Four: 34 weeks, emotional rollercoaster, nursery designs, and more pre-term labor scares

Standard
Party of Four: 34 weeks, emotional rollercoaster, nursery designs, and more pre-term labor scares

“Parents are often so busy with the physical rearing of children that they miss the glory of parenthood, just as the grandeur of the trees is lost when raking leaves.” –Marcelene Cox

Cast Your Votes

Cast Your Votes

A little fun: Here is the link to a little prediction game we set up for Genesis. Take a guess at her weight and birth date. We will announce winners a few days after she is born. http://www.expectnet.com/games/BabyGenesis

Baby Notes: I tend to keep this baby notes section mainly informational, however, becoming a parent is a pretty emotional journey. Expressing personal emotions and feelings is risky in such a public forum, but I had to remember my sole purpose for creating this blog was to share my experience completely to help others realize they are not alone. I am pretty sure this emotional journey has been heightened for me due to my limited mobility and being put on bedrest since four and a half months, but I am very cautious of making any excuses or giving some rational and logical explanation to my feelings (I personally feel as women we tend to do this a lot, but that is a whole other blog post).

emotional rollercoaster

The day I found out I was going to be a mom changed my life forever. I immediately, literally immediately, began changing my mindset about several relationships I had in my life, my relationship with God, my marriage, my confidence within myself, even child rearing practices that I thought I would never even consider. The first few months I didn’t take it so serious, then as my belly grew so did my desire to try and “fix” all of these internal conflicts that I had with the before mentioned categories. For weeks, maybe even months I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster. This was demonstrated through several days of isolating (sometimes weeks), a lot of crying, and a TON of pretending that everything was okay when people asked. As I grew deeper into this process I started questioning friendships and why I had been drawn to certain people, why I always felt that I needed to be everyone’s cheerleader, my obsession with being understood and accepted by others, my fixation on being fulfilled through work performance and educational accolades, and the innate need to continue to support people even when I wasn’t getting any in return. But this process also helped me to become a best friend to my husband, learn how to say no even when pressured, securing more confidence in my truth that raising this child is the most important job I will have on this planet besides being a wife, and identify my needs (though I am still working on fulfilling them).

I have started to accept that fact (started) that all these questions don’t have to be answered before my daughter arrives. At first I felt it was a disservice to her if I didn’t. She didn’t ask to be brought into this world and I owed it to her to be at my best no matter how much or little time was given. Then I realized how completely unrealistic that was. I do believe that once you decide to become a parent that it is your responsibility to better yourself, however I think the amazing life lessons our little ones can learn from us by merely watching us become better people is also so vital. Overall I don’t think I will ever be the same Monique I was before getting pregnant; sometimes that makes me elated and sometimes it causes immense loneliness. I am learning to take the good with the bad, develop new ways to cope, and trusting in God’s plan.

This past month in pictures:

Sneak peek of the nursery.  Byron actually has a baby picture of him with this exact frog!  I can't wait for Genesis to have a matching picture like Daddy.

Sneak peek of the nursery. Byron actually has a baby picture of him with this exact frog! I can’t wait for Genesis to have a matching picture like Daddy.

In the wake of pre-term labor contractions Byron went and made the MOST amazing pain reliever!

In the wake of pre-term labor contractions Byron went and made the MOST amazing pain reliever!

Our baby shower!

Our baby shower!

3D/4D Ultrasound Day

3D/4D Ultrasound Day

Maternity Shoot Day

Maternity Shoot Day

First day in parenting class.

First day in parenting class.

Weeks 31-34: There are so many updates from these past few weeks so I put them in bullet point to keep me from being long winded.

Maternity Pictures: We had our home maternity shoot which was tons of fun! I am a little sad that we didn’t get any outside shots but I think being at home really captured our journey during this pregnancy. We have about another week before they come back and can’t wait to share them with you all.

3D/4D Ultrasound: We actually had to go twice because Genesis did not want to look at the camera the first time (for some reason this girl is in love with sleeping head down on my placenta). The second time we went back she still wasn’t willing to put on a show until the last five minutes where she actually gave us a glimpse of her dimple on her left cheek! I had dimples on both cheeks so I am hoping for a little mini me in this category. She also had a lot of hair!!!

Nursery: Genesis’ nursery is officially underway. We don’t think we will actually completely finish it until she is about three months old. Her room is doubling as our guest room as well, so with the furniture needed for guests we can not fit all her furniture in it until after we completely transfer it to her room.

Parenting Classes: We have finished 6 out of 7 of our parenting classes which have been pretty fun. It’s pretty cool getting to know other couples throughout the process and one of the couples actually had their baby and sent pictures which was pretty cool.

Belly buds: I started using belly buds for Genesis. I made her a little playlist of some of my favorite songs (including a little gospel, country, and of course John Mayer). Byron has recorded two books for her I play for her too. She literally sits still when Byron voices comes on, it is the sweetest thing.

Birth Plan: We finished and presented our birth plan to our doctor, which she took very well. The hospital has approved for me to take my placenta home after a quick blood test which I am very excited about! If you want a copy of our birth plan shoot me an email and I am more than willing to share it: Monique.a.dozier@gmail.com

Baby Shower: We had our baby shower which was a BLAST! We got rained out of the backyard so we changed to an inside location at my church which was such a blessing. I was so overwhelmed with love that day and can’t thank all our friends and family enough for everything. It was a day I won’t forget. Check out my Facebook page for more pictures I will be posting very soon!

Weight Loss: In the past two weeks I have lost almost five pounds which made me really nervous. Will be talking to doctor about this at our appointment this week.

Pre-term labor: We have had a few more pre-term labor scares which we took a lot better this time around. I immediately laid down, elevated my feet, and Byron went into action with massages. I am so happy to labor with my husband. He has really just jumped into being a great birth partner!

34 Weeks!  I looked so drained in this picture, but hey this is pregnancy!

34 Weeks! I looked so drained in this picture, but hey this is pregnancy!

Baby Updates:

Today the baby is the size of: large cantaloupe

Cravings: Chili Cheese Fries

Next Appointment: August 8th (officially start our weekly appointments)

Mochi Update: No updates this month.

Mommy feels: moments of high energy and complete exhaustion, more nauseous, and some lightheadness.

Coming next week: Hospital Bag!

Thank you for joining us on this wonderful journey!

Always with love,
Modo