Tag Archives: Faith

How I almost drowned

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I love a good quote.  Don’t believe me? Ask my Pinterest followers. And my Instagram followers. Ok, and my Facebook followers.  I am kind of obsessed. Guilty.  But, I have always marveled at the fact that in the matter of the 4…5 seconds that it takes to read a good quote that your mood can completely be transformed.  They are like teleporters to the heart. Instant gratification.

So pleasurable.

Dangerous.

A quote…dangerous?

“Come on Modo, you are really reaching with this post.”

Hear me out.

Quotes almost had me drowning yall.

These past few days I have been struggling.  Ok, these past few weeks!  (You guys catch me every time).  It felt like nothing was lining up as it should.  Missing important phone calls. Car not starting when I was already late for work. Leaving my wallet at home. Health complications.  Patients telling me I was useless…gotta love being a social worker, right?!  I felt like I was going insane.  I started waking up annoyed as soon as I opened my eyes.  I couldn’t breathe.

I was drowning.

And what do you do when you are drowning?

You try and survive!

I was grasping onto anything. Material things. People (this one proved the most heartbreaking). Sleep. Chocolate (I think I will save this one).

But, all these proved problematic.  You know it is hard to hold on to objects when your hands are wet.  And it is hard for people to save you when they can’t swim themselves. Sleep works, but have you forgotten I have a one year old. Chocolate, oh chocolate. Like I said I am leaving that one alone.

But, then it happened.  I spotted a life raft.  I was on Pinterest, night stalking my friends loves, addictions, and joys….and then I spotted it.

“Life is short, make mistakes.”

“Silence is an answer too.”

“Just punch something.”

Quotes.

Maybe that last one is mine.  But, it was an instant high.  With each hit, my mood lifted.  And just like that I was hooked.

Piss me off. There was a quote for that.

Sad. There was a quote for that.

Broke. There…nope I had to go to work for that.  But, there were quotes about coffee.  I don’t drink coffee, but coffee quotes make me wish I did.

Nothing was unanswered in this world of snippet love.

But, guess what?  You can’t live on a life raft.  It is a great resting place, but eventually you have to get back to shore.  In order to swim you need strength.  And as life altering as a life raft is, it doesn’t make your legs kick; it doesn’t build your arm strength to crawl on the sand; it’s a temporary fix; a grasp of air. If you are not careful you will find yourself drowning in the very thing that saved you.

Making desperate attempts at saving what should have never been.

Holding on to what may never be.

Altering what is perfect.

Falling in love with facades.

Quotes are amazing for jumpstarts. Resolutions. A good laugh.  A wave your hand in the air and shout “say that” moment. Encouragement to get your butt off the couch and hitting the gym.  But, when they began to be utilized as answers; filling voids; courage….they have began to lose their power.

My life raft began to deflate under the pressure. And once again, I was grasping for air.

Drowning in words.

Alone.

And then I as I began to succumb to desperation, Pandora shook me.

“PANDORA!  Modo, girl get yourself together; first quotes, now Pandora.”

OK, ok, hear me out yall!  I always wrap it up nicely.  Tough crowd today.

Jill Scott was serenading me and then out of nowhere my speakers began to blast, “Praise Him in advance.”  Instantaneously I was reminded I was never alone.  I was reminded that almost always…ok always when my life feels unbearable I have pushed further and further away from God.  I have worked almost every Sunday this new year.  Church, God, Faith, have fallen so far from my everyday that I forgot that very life raft I was desperately holding on to was attached to each of their boats.  All I had to do was crawl in.

God sends us life rafts daily through friends, random kindness from strangers, even quotes…but if we forget to come and refill them with air from His source they deflate.

I still love quotes.  Trust me I have a arsenal of them waiting in hiding to use at will.

But, I also have decided to no longer work Sunday mornings.

Always with love,

Modo

Minute with Modo (#18): Existing to die

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Life.

It’s a tricky thing; sometimes.

If we make it.

Today I asked myself the hard question, are you living or are you merely existing to die?

Death.

It’s inevitable; no matter how hard we try.

And oh how we try.

It scares me.

Death.

Not the afterlife part.

The transition of ceasing to physically exist part.

That fraction of a millisecond where you transition into the forever part.

Because this is not forever.

No matter how hard we try.

And oh how we try.

But what is living?

Doing what you want? What makes you happy? What makes you smile?

How is happiness different from selfishness?

Do they not have the same components?

I read a quote yesterday that said, “we become each other “.

Reincarnation?

I don’t think that is exactly what the quote meant, but it seemed profound.

Most profound things have an element of WTF in them.

Life is a big WTF.

Sometimes.

If we makes it that way.

And oh how we do.

What makes life worth living when the outcome will always be the same?

Time.

Times makes life worth living because no one knows how much they have.

It’s a mystery, a big WTF really.

A big WTF.

W

T

F

With Time Feel.

WTF.

With time feel.

Feel that drop in your stomach knowing its going to run out.

Hold your breath.

Exhale…………………………

You’re still here.

Live.

Always with love,

Modo

Minute with Modo (#17): Just Ask

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I remember there was a time in my life when I was always so afraid to ask for what I wanted; being respect, salary, or even how I wanted food cooked at a restaurant.

I always thought negotiating meant rejection and I never wanted anyone to think I was ever saying No. Saying no in my mind meant possibly never having that opportunity again, which ultimately meant failure.

I HATE failure.

But one day after speaking with some friends I negotiated my first salary increase. It was SMALL but the impact was tremendous for my self esteem. I quickly learned all they could say was no…or YES! If I never asked how would I know.

Now I think I ask way too much! Lol but I am ok with that. With more asking came a great increase in being told no. And that is ok too. Hearing no no longer means rejection it now means try again.

And that next salary increase was HUGE! 🙂

Take a risk.

Just ask.

Always with love,

Modo

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My beast friends as I call them! Ebony and Aaron always remind me to dig deeper and reach higher.

Minute with Modo (#15): Time flies

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Time Flies

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Today at dinner, while our daughter slept (parents of small children know that deserves a whoop whoop); my husband and I talked about how fast life is moving now that we have a child. After some discussion we realized time wasn’t moving faster…not at all…our time just has more meaning now. I won’t go into how much meaning our lives had before her (it did), but will just sit in the fact that our lives have even more now.

For that I am grateful.

Always with love,

Modo

Love is…

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I’ve had some amazing teachers in my life that have taught me lessons that have carried me through dark times. But, there has been on teacher in particular that has taught me lessons I never thought possible. Babe you have taught me what TRUE LOVE is…not that fairy tale roses and gifts love but that raw, unconditional, agape love. As we prepare to celebrate our five year anniversary tomorrow (and 13 years together) I want to thank you for being such a gentle, kind, and loving teacher…never boastful, harsh, or inconsiderate. Thank you for teaching me love is:

-holding me tighter when I had given up on us…love is…
-never thinking I was less of a woman when the doctors said you can’t have babies, but actually thinking I was more of a woman because of it…love is….
-loving our little miracle baby like a father should love a daughter and getting so excited when she does anything new…love is…
-being a man of God…love is….
-holding my hand through countless and countless doctors appointments and always lightening the mood to calm my nerves…love is…
-getting up before the sun and coming home after the sunset to ensure your family has all that we need…love is…
-loving people in spite of…love is…
-grabbing a sponge and helping me clean up poop, pee, and whatever else our baby girl throws at us that day…love is…
-ALWAYS coming to me at the end of the day and asking “are you ok?”…love is…
-YOU!

I couldn’t have prayed for a better man! Happy anniversary baby and here’s to 50 more!

Minute with Modo (#1): The Christmas List

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Minute with Modo (#1): The Christmas List

The Christmas List

Throughout my elementary school years I included a pony on my Christmas list every year. The list would read something like: a skip-it, new clothes, and a pony. Every year!!! On Christmas morning I always had this slight sadness when my mother didn’t escort me to our backyard to unveil my new playmate. But one year I didn’t include it. I can’t remember when… or even why I stopped, but I did. When do we lose that childlike belief that fairytales come true….should we? As I look at my little girl I wonder what she will convince herself that I am capable of producing in the name of love…in the name of magic. I pray that her requests will restore that childlike belief (in myself) that I AM capable of anything.

Always with love,

Modo

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