Tag Archives: black blogger

How I almost drowned

Standard

I love a good quote.  Don’t believe me? Ask my Pinterest followers. And my Instagram followers. Ok, and my Facebook followers.  I am kind of obsessed. Guilty.  But, I have always marveled at the fact that in the matter of the 4…5 seconds that it takes to read a good quote that your mood can completely be transformed.  They are like teleporters to the heart. Instant gratification.

So pleasurable.

Dangerous.

A quote…dangerous?

“Come on Modo, you are really reaching with this post.”

Hear me out.

Quotes almost had me drowning yall.

These past few days I have been struggling.  Ok, these past few weeks!  (You guys catch me every time).  It felt like nothing was lining up as it should.  Missing important phone calls. Car not starting when I was already late for work. Leaving my wallet at home. Health complications.  Patients telling me I was useless…gotta love being a social worker, right?!  I felt like I was going insane.  I started waking up annoyed as soon as I opened my eyes.  I couldn’t breathe.

I was drowning.

And what do you do when you are drowning?

You try and survive!

I was grasping onto anything. Material things. People (this one proved the most heartbreaking). Sleep. Chocolate (I think I will save this one).

But, all these proved problematic.  You know it is hard to hold on to objects when your hands are wet.  And it is hard for people to save you when they can’t swim themselves. Sleep works, but have you forgotten I have a one year old. Chocolate, oh chocolate. Like I said I am leaving that one alone.

But, then it happened.  I spotted a life raft.  I was on Pinterest, night stalking my friends loves, addictions, and joys….and then I spotted it.

“Life is short, make mistakes.”

“Silence is an answer too.”

“Just punch something.”

Quotes.

Maybe that last one is mine.  But, it was an instant high.  With each hit, my mood lifted.  And just like that I was hooked.

Piss me off. There was a quote for that.

Sad. There was a quote for that.

Broke. There…nope I had to go to work for that.  But, there were quotes about coffee.  I don’t drink coffee, but coffee quotes make me wish I did.

Nothing was unanswered in this world of snippet love.

But, guess what?  You can’t live on a life raft.  It is a great resting place, but eventually you have to get back to shore.  In order to swim you need strength.  And as life altering as a life raft is, it doesn’t make your legs kick; it doesn’t build your arm strength to crawl on the sand; it’s a temporary fix; a grasp of air. If you are not careful you will find yourself drowning in the very thing that saved you.

Making desperate attempts at saving what should have never been.

Holding on to what may never be.

Altering what is perfect.

Falling in love with facades.

Quotes are amazing for jumpstarts. Resolutions. A good laugh.  A wave your hand in the air and shout “say that” moment. Encouragement to get your butt off the couch and hitting the gym.  But, when they began to be utilized as answers; filling voids; courage….they have began to lose their power.

My life raft began to deflate under the pressure. And once again, I was grasping for air.

Drowning in words.

Alone.

And then I as I began to succumb to desperation, Pandora shook me.

“PANDORA!  Modo, girl get yourself together; first quotes, now Pandora.”

OK, ok, hear me out yall!  I always wrap it up nicely.  Tough crowd today.

Jill Scott was serenading me and then out of nowhere my speakers began to blast, “Praise Him in advance.”  Instantaneously I was reminded I was never alone.  I was reminded that almost always…ok always when my life feels unbearable I have pushed further and further away from God.  I have worked almost every Sunday this new year.  Church, God, Faith, have fallen so far from my everyday that I forgot that very life raft I was desperately holding on to was attached to each of their boats.  All I had to do was crawl in.

God sends us life rafts daily through friends, random kindness from strangers, even quotes…but if we forget to come and refill them with air from His source they deflate.

I still love quotes.  Trust me I have a arsenal of them waiting in hiding to use at will.

But, I also have decided to no longer work Sunday mornings.

Always with love,

Modo

Lady of Rage

Standard
Lady of Rage

So today I found out I have an obsessive personality.  Here I go diagnosing myself again.  Why you may ask?  Let me tell you.

When I like something I really like it! Like a lot. 

In sixth grade I REALLY liked this guy.  He had a favorite rap song.  To impress him I learned all the lyrics to the song and rapped it to him on the phone. 

Where was my mother?

Lol!

I’m pretty sure he just took pity on me because our “relationship” lasted a matter of minutes.

But guess what I don’t have to like something to obsess over it.  When I was diagnosed with endometriosis I came home and read for hours.  I found out cutting gluten would increase my chances of both reducing pain and getting pregnant.  I threw away literally EVERYTHING in my pantry.  Everything that had any spec of gluten. 

Is this NORMAL?  I mean I guess people get excited about things right?  And who wouldn’t want to increase your chances of getting pregnant after years of trying.  And let’s not even talk about 12 year olds and what goes on in their minds.

But the issue is after I obsess I jet.  Quick, hard, and often with a bang. 

I told that guy he was an idiot, hung up the phone, and never talked to him again.  I saw him a few years ago and totally had to avoid eye contact. 

After not eating gluten for a month, I took a pregnancy test.  It was negative.  I went to In N Out.

Ok so that’s totally normal right?! Right!

WHO knows…..

Maybe it is or isn’t.  I just don’t give a crap anymore.  Life is imperfectly perfect.

Things don’t always go as planned.

Stop giving yourself a hard time and eat some animal style fries.

Ok maybe not every time you are sad, but you get it.  Overall, we are terribly hard on ourselves.  These past few weeks I’ve made a lot of mistakes; professionally, personally, and in parenting.  Some have hurt.  Bad.

But guess what some felt really good. 

Take a risk!

Rap!

Live.

Always with love,

Modo

Don’t sing happy birthday to me

Standard
Don’t sing happy birthday to me

While in a store I saw a pretty awesome device.

I said “Gosh I need to find someone to buy that for as a gift”. Someone I met just that day looked at me and said “You! You are that person; get it for yourself.” It was a quick moment. We laughed. I left.

After a rough night, for reasons unimportant to this post, I came back to that statement. “Get it for yourself.”

Learning to treat myself JUST as good as I do family, friends, and even strangers is really hard for me. I know cliche, right? But, seriously I mean it.

At a young age I starting asking people to stop singing happy birthday to me because it made me feel uncomfortable. We would sit at restaurants on that special day and I would cringe when I saw the birthday gang rush to a patron with a cupcake, candle, and crazy jack o lantern tempo music to wish them another blissful year.

One year I planned a surprise weekend trip to NYC for my husbands’ birthday. Packed his bags, met him at work with plane tickets, and saw the sites of NYC. That same year I refused to go to the hair salon because it cost too much.

I’ve bought my daughter three dresses for her first birthday. Last week I gauged a hole into my belt because it had gotten too big.

Guilt settles in when I do something for just myself. But I think it’s deeper than that. I get a KICK out of saving, cutting out something, repurposing myself with little to nothing. And, to be even more honest selfishness makes me furious.

But is it selfishness I hate or confidence I lack to just love myself wholeheartedly? Not a question I’m ready to answer. Don’t have to. Realizing more and more it’s ok not to rush to answer every question asked. Sometimes…often we should just reflect. Stop. Sit still. Let the answer come to us rather than chasing it down like it stole your ice cream cone.

But why do we run? What are we really chasing? What is on that cone?

Always with love,

Modo

Minute with Modo (#6): Live out loud

Standard
Minute with Modo (#6): Live out loud

Live out loud

Sooooooo this happened today:

20140415-224534.jpg

Yep! That’s me…on a kid’s ride…screaming my head off. First and foremost I clearly realized today that I need to get in shape…I’ve been working on it but I need to put the light to the fire because kid’s rides are NOT made for adults, BUT adults always have to ride with their kids….and squeezing all this fabulousness into that little seat was for the birds. LOL! But the point of this post is not about my juicy thighs…or even my really cute shoes (go ahead and look), it’s about screaming like a kid. When’s the last time you’ve done it? Gosh it’s freeing!!!! Take some time and just “enjoy life” this week (you know do all those cliche things): laugh like a kid, dance like nobody’s watching, etc….

Life is short…or we should be filling it with so many memories to make it feel like it is.

Always with love,

Modo