How I almost drowned

Standard

I love a good quote.  Don’t believe me? Ask my Pinterest followers. And my Instagram followers. Ok, and my Facebook followers.  I am kind of obsessed. Guilty.  But, I have always marveled at the fact that in the matter of the 4…5 seconds that it takes to read a good quote that your mood can completely be transformed.  They are like teleporters to the heart. Instant gratification.

So pleasurable.

Dangerous.

A quote…dangerous?

“Come on Modo, you are really reaching with this post.”

Hear me out.

Quotes almost had me drowning yall.

These past few days I have been struggling.  Ok, these past few weeks!  (You guys catch me every time).  It felt like nothing was lining up as it should.  Missing important phone calls. Car not starting when I was already late for work. Leaving my wallet at home. Health complications.  Patients telling me I was useless…gotta love being a social worker, right?!  I felt like I was going insane.  I started waking up annoyed as soon as I opened my eyes.  I couldn’t breathe.

I was drowning.

And what do you do when you are drowning?

You try and survive!

I was grasping onto anything. Material things. People (this one proved the most heartbreaking). Sleep. Chocolate (I think I will save this one).

But, all these proved problematic.  You know it is hard to hold on to objects when your hands are wet.  And it is hard for people to save you when they can’t swim themselves. Sleep works, but have you forgotten I have a one year old. Chocolate, oh chocolate. Like I said I am leaving that one alone.

But, then it happened.  I spotted a life raft.  I was on Pinterest, night stalking my friends loves, addictions, and joys….and then I spotted it.

“Life is short, make mistakes.”

“Silence is an answer too.”

“Just punch something.”

Quotes.

Maybe that last one is mine.  But, it was an instant high.  With each hit, my mood lifted.  And just like that I was hooked.

Piss me off. There was a quote for that.

Sad. There was a quote for that.

Broke. There…nope I had to go to work for that.  But, there were quotes about coffee.  I don’t drink coffee, but coffee quotes make me wish I did.

Nothing was unanswered in this world of snippet love.

But, guess what?  You can’t live on a life raft.  It is a great resting place, but eventually you have to get back to shore.  In order to swim you need strength.  And as life altering as a life raft is, it doesn’t make your legs kick; it doesn’t build your arm strength to crawl on the sand; it’s a temporary fix; a grasp of air. If you are not careful you will find yourself drowning in the very thing that saved you.

Making desperate attempts at saving what should have never been.

Holding on to what may never be.

Altering what is perfect.

Falling in love with facades.

Quotes are amazing for jumpstarts. Resolutions. A good laugh.  A wave your hand in the air and shout “say that” moment. Encouragement to get your butt off the couch and hitting the gym.  But, when they began to be utilized as answers; filling voids; courage….they have began to lose their power.

My life raft began to deflate under the pressure. And once again, I was grasping for air.

Drowning in words.

Alone.

And then I as I began to succumb to desperation, Pandora shook me.

“PANDORA!  Modo, girl get yourself together; first quotes, now Pandora.”

OK, ok, hear me out yall!  I always wrap it up nicely.  Tough crowd today.

Jill Scott was serenading me and then out of nowhere my speakers began to blast, “Praise Him in advance.”  Instantaneously I was reminded I was never alone.  I was reminded that almost always…ok always when my life feels unbearable I have pushed further and further away from God.  I have worked almost every Sunday this new year.  Church, God, Faith, have fallen so far from my everyday that I forgot that very life raft I was desperately holding on to was attached to each of their boats.  All I had to do was crawl in.

God sends us life rafts daily through friends, random kindness from strangers, even quotes…but if we forget to come and refill them with air from His source they deflate.

I still love quotes.  Trust me I have a arsenal of them waiting in hiding to use at will.

But, I also have decided to no longer work Sunday mornings.

Always with love,

Modo

Advertisements

Premature Goodbyes

Standard

Many of you know I am a pretty vocal person; especially when it comes to race related issues, but these past few weeks have left me speechless.  Literally I just am devastated by the message that is being sent to all the black men of this nation.  So instead of ranting I just want to remind all my black brothers in and out my life that I VALUE, LOVE, RESPECT, ADMIRE, AND HONOR you.  I promise to raise my sons (future) and daughters with knowledge of their culture. I ask all my counterparts to educate their children about race relations in this country ESPECIALLY if you are not Black.  For me it starts at home! I hugged Byron Dozier extra tight last night and will continue to everyday because in this sad sad nation (world) we live in I have to prematurely say goodbye (metaphorically and literally) daily just as a precaution. Heart breaks.  Always with love.  Modo.

Lady of Rage

Standard
Lady of Rage

So today I found out I have an obsessive personality.  Here I go diagnosing myself again.  Why you may ask?  Let me tell you.

When I like something I really like it! Like a lot. 

In sixth grade I REALLY liked this guy.  He had a favorite rap song.  To impress him I learned all the lyrics to the song and rapped it to him on the phone. 

Where was my mother?

Lol!

I’m pretty sure he just took pity on me because our “relationship” lasted a matter of minutes.

But guess what I don’t have to like something to obsess over it.  When I was diagnosed with endometriosis I came home and read for hours.  I found out cutting gluten would increase my chances of both reducing pain and getting pregnant.  I threw away literally EVERYTHING in my pantry.  Everything that had any spec of gluten. 

Is this NORMAL?  I mean I guess people get excited about things right?  And who wouldn’t want to increase your chances of getting pregnant after years of trying.  And let’s not even talk about 12 year olds and what goes on in their minds.

But the issue is after I obsess I jet.  Quick, hard, and often with a bang. 

I told that guy he was an idiot, hung up the phone, and never talked to him again.  I saw him a few years ago and totally had to avoid eye contact. 

After not eating gluten for a month, I took a pregnancy test.  It was negative.  I went to In N Out.

Ok so that’s totally normal right?! Right!

WHO knows…..

Maybe it is or isn’t.  I just don’t give a crap anymore.  Life is imperfectly perfect.

Things don’t always go as planned.

Stop giving yourself a hard time and eat some animal style fries.

Ok maybe not every time you are sad, but you get it.  Overall, we are terribly hard on ourselves.  These past few weeks I’ve made a lot of mistakes; professionally, personally, and in parenting.  Some have hurt.  Bad.

But guess what some felt really good. 

Take a risk!

Rap!

Live.

Always with love,

Modo

Don’t sing happy birthday to me

Standard
Don’t sing happy birthday to me

While in a store I saw a pretty awesome device.

I said “Gosh I need to find someone to buy that for as a gift”. Someone I met just that day looked at me and said “You! You are that person; get it for yourself.” It was a quick moment. We laughed. I left.

After a rough night, for reasons unimportant to this post, I came back to that statement. “Get it for yourself.”

Learning to treat myself JUST as good as I do family, friends, and even strangers is really hard for me. I know cliche, right? But, seriously I mean it.

At a young age I starting asking people to stop singing happy birthday to me because it made me feel uncomfortable. We would sit at restaurants on that special day and I would cringe when I saw the birthday gang rush to a patron with a cupcake, candle, and crazy jack o lantern tempo music to wish them another blissful year.

One year I planned a surprise weekend trip to NYC for my husbands’ birthday. Packed his bags, met him at work with plane tickets, and saw the sites of NYC. That same year I refused to go to the hair salon because it cost too much.

I’ve bought my daughter three dresses for her first birthday. Last week I gauged a hole into my belt because it had gotten too big.

Guilt settles in when I do something for just myself. But I think it’s deeper than that. I get a KICK out of saving, cutting out something, repurposing myself with little to nothing. And, to be even more honest selfishness makes me furious.

But is it selfishness I hate or confidence I lack to just love myself wholeheartedly? Not a question I’m ready to answer. Don’t have to. Realizing more and more it’s ok not to rush to answer every question asked. Sometimes…often we should just reflect. Stop. Sit still. Let the answer come to us rather than chasing it down like it stole your ice cream cone.

But why do we run? What are we really chasing? What is on that cone?

Always with love,

Modo

Genesis ONE year update:

Standard

Genesis,
It’s happened!  You are officially ONE! I thought long and hard about what I wanted this post to be.  First it won’t include any pictures…well because Mommy got a new phone and her computer crashed, so those will come later.  But the more I thought about it, that was ok because I just want to talk to you….uninterrupted…no distractions.

As you move into year two there are a few hopes and wishes I want you to hold on to as this year progresses:

1. I hope you stop opening all the DVD cases and taking the movies out. The joy you get doing this seems unparrell to any punishment I could give you, so I just let you do it. However, for the sake of my sanity I pray you find another hobby….soon!

2. Continue to love your car seat….please! We have a lot of trips planned this year, at least in our heads. And since we are pinching pennies they don’t include a plane, train, but yes an automobile. You keep rollin and I’ll keep all the toys and snacks coming your way.

3. Keep smiling. You are already the most beautiful girl I know, but gosh when you smile it makes the rain go away.

4. Share with Elmo, not just Mommy. You know that food you stuck in your mouth, hated, drooled on, and decided it was the worst thing you ever ate? Share that with Elmo…Mommy is full. And Elmo told me he loves that stuff. Promise.

5. Paper isn’t food. Just thought I remind you.

6. When you play and get really excited then run over to me and hug me…keep doing that please. Even when you turn 15. I promise I will always hug back.

7. I pray Mommy’s panties stop being a fascination while she pee pees. Its kind of hard to go number 1, protect my loins,and wipe at the same time.

8. Cheese is good, I know! Trust me! But we can’t eat blocks of it for lunch. They will put me in jail if I keep giving it to you. See; not my fault.

9. I pray you keep running around in a excited frantic state when Daddy gets off work. It makes him (and me) so happy.

10. Lastly, I hope you dance. Ha! Ok one day you will get that joke. I hope, pray, and wish with all my heart you never ever stop being you. Because guess what you are perfect. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

I love you so much baby girl. You are my joy. Happy birthday sweetheart!

(Sorry to all our readers that this is so late. Its been quite a crazy few months).

Always with love,

Mom

Genesis 11 month update: Imagine the possibilities

Standard

Hey Sugarplum,

It’s happening! You are about to turn one and I swear the closer it gets the more I can’t believe it to be true. It’s like I want to pretend that you are still just a 7lbs baby coming home from the hospital, but you are far from that! You have begun developing into a little girl. This is your last full month of being a “baby” but I think you skipped that memo and jumped full fledge into being a toddler. Your imagination these days is VAST! Don’t tell anyone but one day while washing dishes I lost you! I called for you…no answer. I checked EVERY room and you weren’t there. I panicked! I went back to your room and literally just stood in the middle of your room and yelled “Genesis”! Unless we were experiencing the rapture I knew you had to be in the house somewhere. Then it happened…I heard a giggle…I walked over to your closet and there you were: HIDING!

IMG_1332.JPG

You thought it was the most hilarious thing ever. I’ll admit I did too….after I calmed down. But that story practically sums up this month for us; it’s been fun! You understand so much now. Daddy catches himself all the time saying “she’s just so smart; she’s a real little kid”! No matter how big you get you will always be Mommys baby girl. That 7lbs baby girl that looked at me the second she was born, laid her head on my chest, and pooped all over me!

IMG_1243.JPG
Uncle Patrick came to visit

IMG_1345.JPG
Your first photo booth

IMG_1215.JPG
Disneyland for Cousin Zoe’s birthday

IMG_1297.JPG
A Sunday evening at church

Other things that happened this month:
-you got your FIRST tooth!
– you have started sleeping through the night for longer spans of time which is AWESOME for Mommy
-you have favorite toys and shows now

You love:
-Elmo ( the way you light up when he laughs is priceless! )
-learning (you are a sponge! You take everything in and exam it critically. You have started saying Mom, bird, bath, no, and signing all done)
-dancing (anytime any music comes on you are shaking and wiggling)
-fake laughing (honestly anything that involves pretending you get a kick out of which includes peek a boo, hiding, and acting out characters of books)
-clapping (usually for yourself)
-drinking out of a straw (you love your sippy cup! After you are done you close it so politely like a big girl)
-making friends ( when we go to the Playgym you walk up to all the kids handing them toys and trying to get then to chase you. I love you are so friendly, sweet, and kind)

You could pass on:
-the beach (you hated the sand)
-skipping breakfast (if you don’t have it anger ensues quickly lol)

IMG_1371.JPG

IMG_1359.JPG

IMG_1354.JPG

Happy 11 months Genesis!

Always with love,

Mom

Product Review: Garnier Fructis

Standard

Hey Loves,

I’m back with a new product review! After neglecting my hair for over a week (seriously didn’t touch it) because I was caring for a tiny cranky teething baby girl I needed something that would do wonders on my hair. I needed something that would give me good slip (when I tell y’all just putting it in four sections was torture), get it clean, and was inexpensive.

I’ve been eyeing this conditioner for a while and never took the plunge. But while strolling the aisle of Target (for the third time this week) I decided to jump all in.

So what was it: Garnier Fructis Pure Clean Conditioner

IMG_1289.JPG

My thoughts on the product:

Price: For less than $5 bucks I can not complain (Found in Target but sold in all grocery stores, drug stores, and Walmart). After washing I still had over 3/4 bottle left and I have a lot of hair! So I was impressed with how many washes I will get out of just one bottle.

Smell: Light. Sometimes with natural products the smell can be daunting but this had a very fresh and light aroma. Reminded me of Victoria Secret Green Apple scent.

Application: I applied about a quarter size amount to each section. It does NOT lather so naturally I wanted to apply more and was leery if it would get my hair clean. But once I rinsed I heard the glorious “squeaking” noise and was impressed.

Overall: would I buy it again?

YES!

That picture was well over 30 minutes after getting out the shower and chasing a nearly one year old. I also DID NOT comb out hair…not even finger detangling and look how great it looks.

Deets below for how I washed my hair.

Final Results

IMG_1292-0.JPG

IMG_1290.JPG

Close up of hair

IMG_1291.JPG

Steps I took:

-Sectioned it off into four
-Jumped in shower (after baby was asleep of course)
-Wet one section for about 30 seconds while pulling down (wanted the hair saturated)
-Took a quarter size amount of product and applied
-Made sure to hold ends when scrubbing with other hand to avoid tangles
-For about another 30 seconds I rubbed hair in a downward motion to assist with detangling (conditioner still in)
-Rinsed section
-Applied a very SMALL amount of Cantu Leave In (well because I only had about a handful left in the jar lol)
-Wrapped section in Bantu knot and proceeded to next section
-After all sections complete I left hair in Bantu knots and took Tshirt and pressed excess moisture out.

Always with love,

Modo