You can bite me
I choose to fight
Always with love,
Dying without Passion
It was a great family day with my husband and daughter. During dinner a few guys near our table got into a discussion about motorcycles and I could see my husbands smile breaking under his failed attempt to continue to discuss our daughters “cute new thing”. My husband LOVES cars and motorcycles. Seriously this guy is obsessed. When the average person gets a few extra bucks they buy maybe a new pair of shoes, a nice dinner out, maybe even a splurge trip to Target (oh Target!)…but not my husband when he gets a few extra bucks he buys a car!!!! No lie I have heard about and found cheap cars he has stored at locations other than our house (that’s a whole story I’m sure he hopes I keep to myself :-)). But it’s his passion. I looked at him and said ” Gosh I hope I don’t die without a passion”. We further went on to discuss a few things I had some passion about but nothing like his deep gut wrenching love for exhausts. It first made me sad…then it got me determined. Ultimately we concluded to develop a passion you have to commit time for YOURSELF…to explore….something I am quite terrible at: crafting time for myself. So here goes! Time for self exploration.
As we were leaving a slew of motorcycles passed by, my daughter looked up and squealed…looks like someone is following in her daddy’s footsteps.
Always with love,
I was cranky today!
If I am completely honest I have been cranky for a few days. The biggest indicator was my utter frustration with my daughter. I have been blessed with one of the chilliest babies ever…and I don’t say that just because she is my little bundle of joy.
But these past few days every time she made a noise I found my skin crawling (she has been teething, so I am not a complete monster). If you have read my blogs you know just how much we yearned for our little girl so being annoyed with her really started to make me sad.
When I recognized this, I stopped….gave her a bath, read her a story, and held her until she fell asleep.
Parenting isn’t always about getting it right everyday….it’s about being conscious…..present….aware of the good and the bad.
So tomorrow I will start again…being the best mother I know how on that day.
Always with love,
“From your parents you learn love and laughter and how to put one foot before the other. But when books are opened you discover that you have wings.” -Helen Hayes
Hey there sweet face,
Happy half-birthday little Miss! Your sixth month has been nothing short of amazing. It was full of photo shoots (with your BFF Miles), celebrations, and tons of lunch dates. This month was all about gaining your independence, which made Mommy so proud and sad at the same time. I just can’t believe how fast you are growing. I am officially warning you that I will be a hysterical, crying, mess at just about everything you do: first day of pre-school, first date, graduations, even the first time we get into an argument. As we were driving to church (which you love) last Sunday, I had a vision of you singing in the kids choir and I literally dropped a few tears just thinking about it! However, though Mommy is clearly an emotional wreck already I NEVER want you to stop letting your light shine. Mommy (and Daddy) want you to explore this world through books, travel, and relationships…the best way to learn and grow is TO DO! Just promise me you will call your dear old mom along the way. Check out a few of this month’s events captured in photo:
Other things we noticed this month:
-You are teething! No teeth have come in yet, but you are drooling and chewing on everything.
-You officially waved for the first time on March 15th and are trying really hard to say “hi”! It is the cutest thing ever.
-You are able to scoot while sitting on your butt…have a feeling crawling is not too far away
-Little kids; anytime you hear or see someone small you light up!
-DADDY! It’s like you fell in love with him all over again this month. When he comes home you squeal and jump for him to pick you up. You are constantly trying to take off his glasses and touch his face. This month was the first time you also reached for Daddy instead of Mommy when you got hurt (broke Mommy’s little heart, but Daddy smiled for days about it). You two are peas in a pod.
-Singing! You love hearing and watching people sing. You also love trying to sing a tune yourself.
-Being outside; when we come in from outdoors you literally burst into tears. Mommy now takes you on a walk every day and you just light up when you look at flowers and hear dogs bark.
You could pass on:
-The food processor. No matter how I try and show you its not scary, you scream every time it comes on.
-Napping on your own. I have now resorted to laying in the bed with you until you fall asleep and literally sliding out of the bed to my butt to try and keep you asleep.
Always with love,
“Parents are often so busy with the physical rearing of children that they miss the glory of parenthood, just as the grandeur of the trees is lost when raking leaves.” –Marcelene Cox
A little fun: Here is the link to a little prediction game we set up for Genesis. Take a guess at her weight and birth date. We will announce winners a few days after she is born. http://www.expectnet.com/games/BabyGenesis
Baby Notes: I tend to keep this baby notes section mainly informational, however, becoming a parent is a pretty emotional journey. Expressing personal emotions and feelings is risky in such a public forum, but I had to remember my sole purpose for creating this blog was to share my experience completely to help others realize they are not alone. I am pretty sure this emotional journey has been heightened for me due to my limited mobility and being put on bedrest since four and a half months, but I am very cautious of making any excuses or giving some rational and logical explanation to my feelings (I personally feel as women we tend to do this a lot, but that is a whole other blog post).
The day I found out I was going to be a mom changed my life forever. I immediately, literally immediately, began changing my mindset about several relationships I had in my life, my relationship with God, my marriage, my confidence within myself, even child rearing practices that I thought I would never even consider. The first few months I didn’t take it so serious, then as my belly grew so did my desire to try and “fix” all of these internal conflicts that I had with the before mentioned categories. For weeks, maybe even months I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster. This was demonstrated through several days of isolating (sometimes weeks), a lot of crying, and a TON of pretending that everything was okay when people asked. As I grew deeper into this process I started questioning friendships and why I had been drawn to certain people, why I always felt that I needed to be everyone’s cheerleader, my obsession with being understood and accepted by others, my fixation on being fulfilled through work performance and educational accolades, and the innate need to continue to support people even when I wasn’t getting any in return. But this process also helped me to become a best friend to my husband, learn how to say no even when pressured, securing more confidence in my truth that raising this child is the most important job I will have on this planet besides being a wife, and identify my needs (though I am still working on fulfilling them).
I have started to accept that fact (started) that all these questions don’t have to be answered before my daughter arrives. At first I felt it was a disservice to her if I didn’t. She didn’t ask to be brought into this world and I owed it to her to be at my best no matter how much or little time was given. Then I realized how completely unrealistic that was. I do believe that once you decide to become a parent that it is your responsibility to better yourself, however I think the amazing life lessons our little ones can learn from us by merely watching us become better people is also so vital. Overall I don’t think I will ever be the same Monique I was before getting pregnant; sometimes that makes me elated and sometimes it causes immense loneliness. I am learning to take the good with the bad, develop new ways to cope, and trusting in God’s plan.
This past month in pictures:
Weeks 31-34: There are so many updates from these past few weeks so I put them in bullet point to keep me from being long winded.
–Maternity Pictures: We had our home maternity shoot which was tons of fun! I am a little sad that we didn’t get any outside shots but I think being at home really captured our journey during this pregnancy. We have about another week before they come back and can’t wait to share them with you all.
–3D/4D Ultrasound: We actually had to go twice because Genesis did not want to look at the camera the first time (for some reason this girl is in love with sleeping head down on my placenta). The second time we went back she still wasn’t willing to put on a show until the last five minutes where she actually gave us a glimpse of her dimple on her left cheek! I had dimples on both cheeks so I am hoping for a little mini me in this category. She also had a lot of hair!!!
–Nursery: Genesis’ nursery is officially underway. We don’t think we will actually completely finish it until she is about three months old. Her room is doubling as our guest room as well, so with the furniture needed for guests we can not fit all her furniture in it until after we completely transfer it to her room.
–Parenting Classes: We have finished 6 out of 7 of our parenting classes which have been pretty fun. It’s pretty cool getting to know other couples throughout the process and one of the couples actually had their baby and sent pictures which was pretty cool.
–Belly buds: I started using belly buds for Genesis. I made her a little playlist of some of my favorite songs (including a little gospel, country, and of course John Mayer). Byron has recorded two books for her I play for her too. She literally sits still when Byron voices comes on, it is the sweetest thing.
–Birth Plan: We finished and presented our birth plan to our doctor, which she took very well. The hospital has approved for me to take my placenta home after a quick blood test which I am very excited about! If you want a copy of our birth plan shoot me an email and I am more than willing to share it: Monique.email@example.com
–Baby Shower: We had our baby shower which was a BLAST! We got rained out of the backyard so we changed to an inside location at my church which was such a blessing. I was so overwhelmed with love that day and can’t thank all our friends and family enough for everything. It was a day I won’t forget. Check out my Facebook page for more pictures I will be posting very soon!
–Weight Loss: In the past two weeks I have lost almost five pounds which made me really nervous. Will be talking to doctor about this at our appointment this week.
–Pre-term labor: We have had a few more pre-term labor scares which we took a lot better this time around. I immediately laid down, elevated my feet, and Byron went into action with massages. I am so happy to labor with my husband. He has really just jumped into being a great birth partner!
Today the baby is the size of: large cantaloupe
Cravings: Chili Cheese Fries
Next Appointment: August 8th (officially start our weekly appointments)
Mochi Update: No updates this month.
Mommy feels: moments of high energy and complete exhaustion, more nauseous, and some lightheadness.
Coming next week: Hospital Bag!
Thank you for joining us on this wonderful journey!
Always with love,
But this holiday season it was imperative that I managed it well. We had three cities to navigate through within 24 hours, catch up with family, and pretend not to be exhausted throughout the process. This was a time of pure endurance! I had prepared for this day for months. I felt like the character in the Black Friday Target commercials. I timed the traffic at peak hours. I worked late and slept less. I would wake up in the middle of the night, screaming “pack, pack, pack” just to see if my husband was prepared for the holiday season. This was no time for mishaps!
I lined up at the starting line, did a few stretches, and was the first out of the gate at the sound of the gun. I actually left a tad early from work, but this was no time to count penalties, I had a race to run. Second hurdle of only utilizing one overnight bag (as ordered by coach husband) posed to be a challenge, but I cleared it with room to spare. Fatigue started to set in by hurdle three of driving down the 91 after the sun had set, but the coach splashed water on my face from the sidelines to jar my endurance. Fourth hurdle was cleared without a stumble as we pulled into the driveway to the T of the estimated arrival time.
But it wasn’t until the fifth hurdle that I started to trip up. The hurdle had been knocked down! Thanksgiving dinner was ready early! AHHHHHH this was unexpected. This meant that the time between dinner and estimated time of departure would be elongated. Time is imperative for maintaining endurance. If the time was stretched, it offered room for me to set in a comfortable pace turning my sprint into a marathon, meaning I had to slow down! I took a deep breath and mentally tried to prepare for this new change of pace; but it did not go as planned.
It started out with revisiting old family stories, laughing until our stomachs hurt, and watching the kids’ eyes sparkle in amazement at the people we grew out of. The stretch led into reminiscing on loved ones no longer with us, predicting sibling’s futures, and watching a series of hysterical YouTube videos. It rounded out with doing each other’s hair, movie watching, and dessert eating. And then endurance’s worse enemy struck: hugs and sad goodbyes. I had completely lost my pace, focus, and endurance.
I had succumbed to familiarity and it felt good. It was like eating that first piece of cake after dieting for 6 months; like wrapping up in a blanket and watching “Stepmom” on a rainy day; like watching your nephew crawl into your arms and say “I love you”; it felt like family; it felt like home. I had trained to get through the holidays but i had not prepared to be in them! Tears weld as I realized the sixth hurdle was in clear sight. While the rest of the race still had to be ran, I was aware now that I didn’t have to sprint.
I came to realize that if I run fast throughout life never slowing down to refresh myself with the reason I am running in the first place there is no reason to run at all. I vowed to terminate my entry in the mad dash of life and submit my name for the marathon of living.
Always with love,