Category Archives: Daily blog

How I almost drowned

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I love a good quote.  Don’t believe me? Ask my Pinterest followers. And my Instagram followers. Ok, and my Facebook followers.  I am kind of obsessed. Guilty.  But, I have always marveled at the fact that in the matter of the 4…5 seconds that it takes to read a good quote that your mood can completely be transformed.  They are like teleporters to the heart. Instant gratification.

So pleasurable.

Dangerous.

A quote…dangerous?

“Come on Modo, you are really reaching with this post.”

Hear me out.

Quotes almost had me drowning yall.

These past few days I have been struggling.  Ok, these past few weeks!  (You guys catch me every time).  It felt like nothing was lining up as it should.  Missing important phone calls. Car not starting when I was already late for work. Leaving my wallet at home. Health complications.  Patients telling me I was useless…gotta love being a social worker, right?!  I felt like I was going insane.  I started waking up annoyed as soon as I opened my eyes.  I couldn’t breathe.

I was drowning.

And what do you do when you are drowning?

You try and survive!

I was grasping onto anything. Material things. People (this one proved the most heartbreaking). Sleep. Chocolate (I think I will save this one).

But, all these proved problematic.  You know it is hard to hold on to objects when your hands are wet.  And it is hard for people to save you when they can’t swim themselves. Sleep works, but have you forgotten I have a one year old. Chocolate, oh chocolate. Like I said I am leaving that one alone.

But, then it happened.  I spotted a life raft.  I was on Pinterest, night stalking my friends loves, addictions, and joys….and then I spotted it.

“Life is short, make mistakes.”

“Silence is an answer too.”

“Just punch something.”

Quotes.

Maybe that last one is mine.  But, it was an instant high.  With each hit, my mood lifted.  And just like that I was hooked.

Piss me off. There was a quote for that.

Sad. There was a quote for that.

Broke. There…nope I had to go to work for that.  But, there were quotes about coffee.  I don’t drink coffee, but coffee quotes make me wish I did.

Nothing was unanswered in this world of snippet love.

But, guess what?  You can’t live on a life raft.  It is a great resting place, but eventually you have to get back to shore.  In order to swim you need strength.  And as life altering as a life raft is, it doesn’t make your legs kick; it doesn’t build your arm strength to crawl on the sand; it’s a temporary fix; a grasp of air. If you are not careful you will find yourself drowning in the very thing that saved you.

Making desperate attempts at saving what should have never been.

Holding on to what may never be.

Altering what is perfect.

Falling in love with facades.

Quotes are amazing for jumpstarts. Resolutions. A good laugh.  A wave your hand in the air and shout “say that” moment. Encouragement to get your butt off the couch and hitting the gym.  But, when they began to be utilized as answers; filling voids; courage….they have began to lose their power.

My life raft began to deflate under the pressure. And once again, I was grasping for air.

Drowning in words.

Alone.

And then I as I began to succumb to desperation, Pandora shook me.

“PANDORA!  Modo, girl get yourself together; first quotes, now Pandora.”

OK, ok, hear me out yall!  I always wrap it up nicely.  Tough crowd today.

Jill Scott was serenading me and then out of nowhere my speakers began to blast, “Praise Him in advance.”  Instantaneously I was reminded I was never alone.  I was reminded that almost always…ok always when my life feels unbearable I have pushed further and further away from God.  I have worked almost every Sunday this new year.  Church, God, Faith, have fallen so far from my everyday that I forgot that very life raft I was desperately holding on to was attached to each of their boats.  All I had to do was crawl in.

God sends us life rafts daily through friends, random kindness from strangers, even quotes…but if we forget to come and refill them with air from His source they deflate.

I still love quotes.  Trust me I have a arsenal of them waiting in hiding to use at will.

But, I also have decided to no longer work Sunday mornings.

Always with love,

Modo

Premature Goodbyes

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Many of you know I am a pretty vocal person; especially when it comes to race related issues, but these past few weeks have left me speechless.  Literally I just am devastated by the message that is being sent to all the black men of this nation.  So instead of ranting I just want to remind all my black brothers in and out my life that I VALUE, LOVE, RESPECT, ADMIRE, AND HONOR you.  I promise to raise my sons (future) and daughters with knowledge of their culture. I ask all my counterparts to educate their children about race relations in this country ESPECIALLY if you are not Black.  For me it starts at home! I hugged Byron Dozier extra tight last night and will continue to everyday because in this sad sad nation (world) we live in I have to prematurely say goodbye (metaphorically and literally) daily just as a precaution. Heart breaks.  Always with love.  Modo.

Lady of Rage

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Lady of Rage

So today I found out I have an obsessive personality.  Here I go diagnosing myself again.  Why you may ask?  Let me tell you.

When I like something I really like it! Like a lot. 

In sixth grade I REALLY liked this guy.  He had a favorite rap song.  To impress him I learned all the lyrics to the song and rapped it to him on the phone. 

Where was my mother?

Lol!

I’m pretty sure he just took pity on me because our “relationship” lasted a matter of minutes.

But guess what I don’t have to like something to obsess over it.  When I was diagnosed with endometriosis I came home and read for hours.  I found out cutting gluten would increase my chances of both reducing pain and getting pregnant.  I threw away literally EVERYTHING in my pantry.  Everything that had any spec of gluten. 

Is this NORMAL?  I mean I guess people get excited about things right?  And who wouldn’t want to increase your chances of getting pregnant after years of trying.  And let’s not even talk about 12 year olds and what goes on in their minds.

But the issue is after I obsess I jet.  Quick, hard, and often with a bang. 

I told that guy he was an idiot, hung up the phone, and never talked to him again.  I saw him a few years ago and totally had to avoid eye contact. 

After not eating gluten for a month, I took a pregnancy test.  It was negative.  I went to In N Out.

Ok so that’s totally normal right?! Right!

WHO knows…..

Maybe it is or isn’t.  I just don’t give a crap anymore.  Life is imperfectly perfect.

Things don’t always go as planned.

Stop giving yourself a hard time and eat some animal style fries.

Ok maybe not every time you are sad, but you get it.  Overall, we are terribly hard on ourselves.  These past few weeks I’ve made a lot of mistakes; professionally, personally, and in parenting.  Some have hurt.  Bad.

But guess what some felt really good. 

Take a risk!

Rap!

Live.

Always with love,

Modo

Don’t sing happy birthday to me

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Don’t sing happy birthday to me

While in a store I saw a pretty awesome device.

I said “Gosh I need to find someone to buy that for as a gift”. Someone I met just that day looked at me and said “You! You are that person; get it for yourself.” It was a quick moment. We laughed. I left.

After a rough night, for reasons unimportant to this post, I came back to that statement. “Get it for yourself.”

Learning to treat myself JUST as good as I do family, friends, and even strangers is really hard for me. I know cliche, right? But, seriously I mean it.

At a young age I starting asking people to stop singing happy birthday to me because it made me feel uncomfortable. We would sit at restaurants on that special day and I would cringe when I saw the birthday gang rush to a patron with a cupcake, candle, and crazy jack o lantern tempo music to wish them another blissful year.

One year I planned a surprise weekend trip to NYC for my husbands’ birthday. Packed his bags, met him at work with plane tickets, and saw the sites of NYC. That same year I refused to go to the hair salon because it cost too much.

I’ve bought my daughter three dresses for her first birthday. Last week I gauged a hole into my belt because it had gotten too big.

Guilt settles in when I do something for just myself. But I think it’s deeper than that. I get a KICK out of saving, cutting out something, repurposing myself with little to nothing. And, to be even more honest selfishness makes me furious.

But is it selfishness I hate or confidence I lack to just love myself wholeheartedly? Not a question I’m ready to answer. Don’t have to. Realizing more and more it’s ok not to rush to answer every question asked. Sometimes…often we should just reflect. Stop. Sit still. Let the answer come to us rather than chasing it down like it stole your ice cream cone.

But why do we run? What are we really chasing? What is on that cone?

Always with love,

Modo

Minute with Modo (#18): Existing to die

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Life.

It’s a tricky thing; sometimes.

If we make it.

Today I asked myself the hard question, are you living or are you merely existing to die?

Death.

It’s inevitable; no matter how hard we try.

And oh how we try.

It scares me.

Death.

Not the afterlife part.

The transition of ceasing to physically exist part.

That fraction of a millisecond where you transition into the forever part.

Because this is not forever.

No matter how hard we try.

And oh how we try.

But what is living?

Doing what you want? What makes you happy? What makes you smile?

How is happiness different from selfishness?

Do they not have the same components?

I read a quote yesterday that said, “we become each other “.

Reincarnation?

I don’t think that is exactly what the quote meant, but it seemed profound.

Most profound things have an element of WTF in them.

Life is a big WTF.

Sometimes.

If we makes it that way.

And oh how we do.

What makes life worth living when the outcome will always be the same?

Time.

Times makes life worth living because no one knows how much they have.

It’s a mystery, a big WTF really.

A big WTF.

W

T

F

With Time Feel.

WTF.

With time feel.

Feel that drop in your stomach knowing its going to run out.

Hold your breath.

Exhale…………………………

You’re still here.

Live.

Always with love,

Modo

Minute with Modo (#17): Just Ask

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I remember there was a time in my life when I was always so afraid to ask for what I wanted; being respect, salary, or even how I wanted food cooked at a restaurant.

I always thought negotiating meant rejection and I never wanted anyone to think I was ever saying No. Saying no in my mind meant possibly never having that opportunity again, which ultimately meant failure.

I HATE failure.

But one day after speaking with some friends I negotiated my first salary increase. It was SMALL but the impact was tremendous for my self esteem. I quickly learned all they could say was no…or YES! If I never asked how would I know.

Now I think I ask way too much! Lol but I am ok with that. With more asking came a great increase in being told no. And that is ok too. Hearing no no longer means rejection it now means try again.

And that next salary increase was HUGE! 🙂

Take a risk.

Just ask.

Always with love,

Modo

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My beast friends as I call them! Ebony and Aaron always remind me to dig deeper and reach higher.