Author Archives: MoDo

About MoDo

Hi There! I'm a 30 something woman who thought if I did things just right everything would fall into place.... boy was I rudely mistaken. So I thought what better than to share my life journey with the world; reminding people that just because things don't go as planned, doesn't mean they are not going. So here's a toast to our 30's: when things get a little more complicated, your political voice dwindles a tad, and true friends shine through. Here is to all the weddings, break ups, weekend trips, and alumni events. Here's to gaining weight, losing weight, grad school, and student loans. Here's to babies born, jobs we hate, co-workers turned friends, and passport stamps. Here's to not forgetting memories shared, changes to come, remembering who we are, and of course love.

Journey’s 4 & 5 month update: Peace in chaos

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Fat Fat (Daddy’s nickname for you),

We were making moves these past two months! Though not a fan of your carseat as much, you have enjoyed the destinations once we arrive.  Though busy there was a sense of peace between the two of us this month. I feel like we got into a groove. I am learning you beyond your needs; I am learning your soul, your smiles, your laughs, your discomforts…and you are learning me. You mimick a ton these days and have tried to start waving. It is pure magic watching you learn us and this new world of yours.

We had a blast at the LA Zoo! It was perfect weather and we even got to feed the giraffes. You loved the entire day and only cried when it was time to leave.

We went on a field trip with sissy’s school to the strawberry field. Sissy had a great time.

We went to Bubblefest at the Discovery Center. At the end there was a windstorm of bubbles. Thiswas NOT your favorite thing…you are definitely a 3 to 4 at a time bubble girl.

We went to Spring Celebration at sissy’s school. You loved this event and all the moms and dads were so excited to meet you.

Lastly we celebrated your first Easter with family. Keeping up with you and sister’s schedule had me exhausted, but it was so awesome to get you out more.

LIKES

  • Your new activity center

  • Watching sister dance
  • Sleeping in the bed with Mommy
  • Music
  • Plastic bags
  • Pooping….you do this alot and laugh after
  • Mommy blowing on your belly
  • Baths

DISLIKES

  • Your crib
  • Being alone
  • Watching Mommy eat hot food

All in all its been a busy two months full of adventure. I love that you enjoy being on the go because we plan to keep the two of you quite busy this upcoming summer.

Month 4

Month 5

Always with love,

Mom

Genesis 4 month update

Genesis 5 month update

The Fourth Trimester: Journey Isabelle

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The Fourth Trimester: Journey Isabelle

Journey Bell,

My little lovebug!  What a blessing of a child you have been these three months.  You were born just a few days before thanksgiving and you are indeed one of the best gifts.  Spending the holidays with a newborn baby reminded me just how important the little things are, like watching you smile for the first time, hearing you coo (especially when Papa talks to you), and capturing the mesmerizing love between you and your sister.   Our holidays are always special but these were something really memorable. 

Holidays for us also mean spending amazing time with family.  You had quite a few visitors and sleepovers in your first three months including some of your aunties, Granny, and plenty of friends.  While I love the visitors, some of my favorite moments were just spending alone time with you. 

 You are such a sweet child.  Your spirit is so gentle, you rarely fuss, and love to be loved.  You have absolutely beautiful curls, the sweetest face, and your smile lights up a room.  I can not stop kissing your chunky little toes and those cheeks are to die for.

During the first few months you had a bit of reflux that caused you some grief, but we worked through it with a lot of nursing, pacifiers, and burp cloths.  You also had your first cold and a case of baby acne.  But, through it all you rarely expressed a lot of discomfort and just wanted some extra hugs.

You have taken a fondness of Mommy snuggling you in bed and can not stand your co-sleeper or crib.  Mommy and Daddy often wake up falling off the bed to make sure you have enough room.  Something else you absolutely love is your sister, Genesis.  You squirm and giggle so much when she is around.  She is very protective over you and makes sure that everyone knows to be “gentle” with you.  She brags about you at school daily.  I pray that you two remain close throughout life, take care of one another, and remember sisters are our built-in best friends.

Mommy’s recovery has been a little difficult.  When I wasnt feeling too well and had to go to the doctor for a while, your family came down and took the best care of you and sissy.  You took your first bottle with Auntie Rae Rae like a champ (thank God I had pumped). 

Breastfeeding is going well, you love nursing and have already nearly doubled your birth weight.  You are moving very quickly through your milestones (holding your head up, following objects with your eyes, and respond to your name).  You have done amazing getting through this fourth trimester and I can not wait to continue to watch you grow in the months to come.

 Month 1

Month 2

Month 3

Always with love,

Mommy

 Genesis 1&2 month update

Genesis 3 month update

Why I didn’t blog this pregnancy

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Today I watched a video that instructed two people to stare at each other in silence for four minutes. There was a lot of giggling initially, then intense pondering, concluded with tears. Every single pairing ended in tears.  The footage reminded me just how much healing there is in silence.  Some have asked why I didn’t write during this pregnancy and at first I contributed it to a lack of time; which has some truth to it. However, the more I contemplated I realized it was because my life was so loud this year and I often become far less creative in noise.
Just months before conceiving Genesis, my husband and I relocated approximately 1.5 to 2 hours from my immediate family and closest friends. This was the furthest I had ever been from my support network. It wasn’t painful when making this decision as I have always been one to enjoy a tad bit of privacy, but the move really made me appreciate my connections with them more.  I also changed jobs at this time. Though wonderfully compensated, I spent a majority of my day alone (or corresponding via phone with my work partner in crime). After conceiving I was then placed on bedrest for nearly five months. Needless to say, I spent quite a bit of time in silence during my first pregnancy.

Don’t get me wrong, noise is not a negative thing. I find peace in the boisterous debates on holidays with family. My heart swells listening to my 3 year old’s laughter and I have had some of the best moments of growth over work lunches. Noise is life. But, sometimes, its distracting. Life this pregnancy was far different from before; working full-time, raising a toddler, and being in extreme pain throughout the pregnancy made life quite eventful. I was beyond distracted from being in a creative space.

As I updated my calendar last night I noted that tomorrow Journey would be one month old. This immediately made me think of Genesis’ first month, which sent me straight here to read her updates. Reading her updates gave me instant nostalgia.  I found myself holding Journey tighter as I read. After bingeing on memories, I was overcome with a huge dose of guilt. I felt like I had cheated my second child out of documenting these moments in real-time. On my way to picking out my outfit for a pity party, I thought..just… start… now.

Growth!

I thought no better way to start documenting her journey (pun intended) then giving a little background on why I lost connection with my pen and showing her how I picked it up again. Though life won’t ever be as quiet as it once was (and I don’t I want it to be), I pray to create moments of reflection and stillness for myself; always remembering that masterpieces can be created in chaos too.

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Journey, there will be times in life when life gets hectic. Times you will feel out of touch with yourself. But, know these are the moments that you were probably doing some immense growing. The most important thing is to reflect on them and find the lesson.

As I reflect I become grateful. There was a time I would have never thought I would have a child to fall asleep exhausted next to.  Who would have thought 3 years ago, I would even be able to complain about the pain of a SECOND pregnancy.  Now, I have TWO beautiful girls….lets pause on that! I have TWO, beautiful, healthy daughters. Look at God!

I can not promise I will always get it right, that I will always be centered, or even reflective. But, please know I am truly trying my best for you two. Please know you were prayed for, wanted, and humbly welcomed to our family. It is my heart wrenching desire and prayer that you seek God’s heart first in everything you do, love and value family beyond social distractions, and have an abundance of confidence in yourself because baby girl I believe you will change this world.

Always with love

Modo (Mommy)

How I almost drowned

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I love a good quote.  Don’t believe me? Ask my Pinterest followers. And my Instagram followers. Ok, and my Facebook followers.  I am kind of obsessed. Guilty.  But, I have always marveled at the fact that in the matter of the 4…5 seconds that it takes to read a good quote that your mood can completely be transformed.  They are like teleporters to the heart. Instant gratification.

So pleasurable.

Dangerous.

A quote…dangerous?

“Come on Modo, you are really reaching with this post.”

Hear me out.

Quotes almost had me drowning yall.

These past few days I have been struggling.  Ok, these past few weeks!  (You guys catch me every time).  It felt like nothing was lining up as it should.  Missing important phone calls. Car not starting when I was already late for work. Leaving my wallet at home. Health complications.  Patients telling me I was useless…gotta love being a social worker, right?!  I felt like I was going insane.  I started waking up annoyed as soon as I opened my eyes.  I couldn’t breathe.

I was drowning.

And what do you do when you are drowning?

You try and survive!

I was grasping onto anything. Material things. People (this one proved the most heartbreaking). Sleep. Chocolate (I think I will save this one).

But, all these proved problematic.  You know it is hard to hold on to objects when your hands are wet.  And it is hard for people to save you when they can’t swim themselves. Sleep works, but have you forgotten I have a one year old. Chocolate, oh chocolate. Like I said I am leaving that one alone.

But, then it happened.  I spotted a life raft.  I was on Pinterest, night stalking my friends loves, addictions, and joys….and then I spotted it.

“Life is short, make mistakes.”

“Silence is an answer too.”

“Just punch something.”

Quotes.

Maybe that last one is mine.  But, it was an instant high.  With each hit, my mood lifted.  And just like that I was hooked.

Piss me off. There was a quote for that.

Sad. There was a quote for that.

Broke. There…nope I had to go to work for that.  But, there were quotes about coffee.  I don’t drink coffee, but coffee quotes make me wish I did.

Nothing was unanswered in this world of snippet love.

But, guess what?  You can’t live on a life raft.  It is a great resting place, but eventually you have to get back to shore.  In order to swim you need strength.  And as life altering as a life raft is, it doesn’t make your legs kick; it doesn’t build your arm strength to crawl on the sand; it’s a temporary fix; a grasp of air. If you are not careful you will find yourself drowning in the very thing that saved you.

Making desperate attempts at saving what should have never been.

Holding on to what may never be.

Altering what is perfect.

Falling in love with facades.

Quotes are amazing for jumpstarts. Resolutions. A good laugh.  A wave your hand in the air and shout “say that” moment. Encouragement to get your butt off the couch and hitting the gym.  But, when they began to be utilized as answers; filling voids; courage….they have began to lose their power.

My life raft began to deflate under the pressure. And once again, I was grasping for air.

Drowning in words.

Alone.

And then I as I began to succumb to desperation, Pandora shook me.

“PANDORA!  Modo, girl get yourself together; first quotes, now Pandora.”

OK, ok, hear me out yall!  I always wrap it up nicely.  Tough crowd today.

Jill Scott was serenading me and then out of nowhere my speakers began to blast, “Praise Him in advance.”  Instantaneously I was reminded I was never alone.  I was reminded that almost always…ok always when my life feels unbearable I have pushed further and further away from God.  I have worked almost every Sunday this new year.  Church, God, Faith, have fallen so far from my everyday that I forgot that very life raft I was desperately holding on to was attached to each of their boats.  All I had to do was crawl in.

God sends us life rafts daily through friends, random kindness from strangers, even quotes…but if we forget to come and refill them with air from His source they deflate.

I still love quotes.  Trust me I have a arsenal of them waiting in hiding to use at will.

But, I also have decided to no longer work Sunday mornings.

Always with love,

Modo

Premature Goodbyes

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Many of you know I am a pretty vocal person; especially when it comes to race related issues, but these past few weeks have left me speechless.  Literally I just am devastated by the message that is being sent to all the black men of this nation.  So instead of ranting I just want to remind all my black brothers in and out my life that I VALUE, LOVE, RESPECT, ADMIRE, AND HONOR you.  I promise to raise my sons (future) and daughters with knowledge of their culture. I ask all my counterparts to educate their children about race relations in this country ESPECIALLY if you are not Black.  For me it starts at home! I hugged Byron Dozier extra tight last night and will continue to everyday because in this sad sad nation (world) we live in I have to prematurely say goodbye (metaphorically and literally) daily just as a precaution. Heart breaks.  Always with love.  Modo.

Lady of Rage

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Lady of Rage

So today I found out I have an obsessive personality.  Here I go diagnosing myself again.  Why you may ask?  Let me tell you.

When I like something I really like it! Like a lot. 

In sixth grade I REALLY liked this guy.  He had a favorite rap song.  To impress him I learned all the lyrics to the song and rapped it to him on the phone. 

Where was my mother?

Lol!

I’m pretty sure he just took pity on me because our “relationship” lasted a matter of minutes.

But guess what I don’t have to like something to obsess over it.  When I was diagnosed with endometriosis I came home and read for hours.  I found out cutting gluten would increase my chances of both reducing pain and getting pregnant.  I threw away literally EVERYTHING in my pantry.  Everything that had any spec of gluten. 

Is this NORMAL?  I mean I guess people get excited about things right?  And who wouldn’t want to increase your chances of getting pregnant after years of trying.  And let’s not even talk about 12 year olds and what goes on in their minds.

But the issue is after I obsess I jet.  Quick, hard, and often with a bang. 

I told that guy he was an idiot, hung up the phone, and never talked to him again.  I saw him a few years ago and totally had to avoid eye contact. 

After not eating gluten for a month, I took a pregnancy test.  It was negative.  I went to In N Out.

Ok so that’s totally normal right?! Right!

WHO knows…..

Maybe it is or isn’t.  I just don’t give a crap anymore.  Life is imperfectly perfect.

Things don’t always go as planned.

Stop giving yourself a hard time and eat some animal style fries.

Ok maybe not every time you are sad, but you get it.  Overall, we are terribly hard on ourselves.  These past few weeks I’ve made a lot of mistakes; professionally, personally, and in parenting.  Some have hurt.  Bad.

But guess what some felt really good. 

Take a risk!

Rap!

Live.

Always with love,

Modo