Monthly Archives: November 2014

Lady of Rage

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Lady of Rage

So today I found out I have an obsessive personality.  Here I go diagnosing myself again.  Why you may ask?  Let me tell you.

When I like something I really like it! Like a lot. 

In sixth grade I REALLY liked this guy.  He had a favorite rap song.  To impress him I learned all the lyrics to the song and rapped it to him on the phone. 

Where was my mother?

Lol!

I’m pretty sure he just took pity on me because our “relationship” lasted a matter of minutes.

But guess what I don’t have to like something to obsess over it.  When I was diagnosed with endometriosis I came home and read for hours.  I found out cutting gluten would increase my chances of both reducing pain and getting pregnant.  I threw away literally EVERYTHING in my pantry.  Everything that had any spec of gluten. 

Is this NORMAL?  I mean I guess people get excited about things right?  And who wouldn’t want to increase your chances of getting pregnant after years of trying.  And let’s not even talk about 12 year olds and what goes on in their minds.

But the issue is after I obsess I jet.  Quick, hard, and often with a bang. 

I told that guy he was an idiot, hung up the phone, and never talked to him again.  I saw him a few years ago and totally had to avoid eye contact. 

After not eating gluten for a month, I took a pregnancy test.  It was negative.  I went to In N Out.

Ok so that’s totally normal right?! Right!

WHO knows…..

Maybe it is or isn’t.  I just don’t give a crap anymore.  Life is imperfectly perfect.

Things don’t always go as planned.

Stop giving yourself a hard time and eat some animal style fries.

Ok maybe not every time you are sad, but you get it.  Overall, we are terribly hard on ourselves.  These past few weeks I’ve made a lot of mistakes; professionally, personally, and in parenting.  Some have hurt.  Bad.

But guess what some felt really good. 

Take a risk!

Rap!

Live.

Always with love,

Modo

Don’t sing happy birthday to me

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Don’t sing happy birthday to me

While in a store I saw a pretty awesome device.

I said “Gosh I need to find someone to buy that for as a gift”. Someone I met just that day looked at me and said “You! You are that person; get it for yourself.” It was a quick moment. We laughed. I left.

After a rough night, for reasons unimportant to this post, I came back to that statement. “Get it for yourself.”

Learning to treat myself JUST as good as I do family, friends, and even strangers is really hard for me. I know cliche, right? But, seriously I mean it.

At a young age I starting asking people to stop singing happy birthday to me because it made me feel uncomfortable. We would sit at restaurants on that special day and I would cringe when I saw the birthday gang rush to a patron with a cupcake, candle, and crazy jack o lantern tempo music to wish them another blissful year.

One year I planned a surprise weekend trip to NYC for my husbands’ birthday. Packed his bags, met him at work with plane tickets, and saw the sites of NYC. That same year I refused to go to the hair salon because it cost too much.

I’ve bought my daughter three dresses for her first birthday. Last week I gauged a hole into my belt because it had gotten too big.

Guilt settles in when I do something for just myself. But I think it’s deeper than that. I get a KICK out of saving, cutting out something, repurposing myself with little to nothing. And, to be even more honest selfishness makes me furious.

But is it selfishness I hate or confidence I lack to just love myself wholeheartedly? Not a question I’m ready to answer. Don’t have to. Realizing more and more it’s ok not to rush to answer every question asked. Sometimes…often we should just reflect. Stop. Sit still. Let the answer come to us rather than chasing it down like it stole your ice cream cone.

But why do we run? What are we really chasing? What is on that cone?

Always with love,

Modo

Genesis ONE year update:

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Genesis,
It’s happened!  You are officially ONE! I thought long and hard about what I wanted this post to be.  First it won’t include any pictures…well because Mommy got a new phone and her computer crashed, so those will come later.  But the more I thought about it, that was ok because I just want to talk to you….uninterrupted…no distractions.

As you move into year two there are a few hopes and wishes I want you to hold on to as this year progresses:

1. I hope you stop opening all the DVD cases and taking the movies out. The joy you get doing this seems unparrell to any punishment I could give you, so I just let you do it. However, for the sake of my sanity I pray you find another hobby….soon!

2. Continue to love your car seat….please! We have a lot of trips planned this year, at least in our heads. And since we are pinching pennies they don’t include a plane, train, but yes an automobile. You keep rollin and I’ll keep all the toys and snacks coming your way.

3. Keep smiling. You are already the most beautiful girl I know, but gosh when you smile it makes the rain go away.

4. Share with Elmo, not just Mommy. You know that food you stuck in your mouth, hated, drooled on, and decided it was the worst thing you ever ate? Share that with Elmo…Mommy is full. And Elmo told me he loves that stuff. Promise.

5. Paper isn’t food. Just thought I remind you.

6. When you play and get really excited then run over to me and hug me…keep doing that please. Even when you turn 15. I promise I will always hug back.

7. I pray Mommy’s panties stop being a fascination while she pee pees. Its kind of hard to go number 1, protect my loins,and wipe at the same time.

8. Cheese is good, I know! Trust me! But we can’t eat blocks of it for lunch. They will put me in jail if I keep giving it to you. See; not my fault.

9. I pray you keep running around in a excited frantic state when Daddy gets off work. It makes him (and me) so happy.

10. Lastly, I hope you dance. Ha! Ok one day you will get that joke. I hope, pray, and wish with all my heart you never ever stop being you. Because guess what you are perfect. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

I love you so much baby girl. You are my joy. Happy birthday sweetheart!

(Sorry to all our readers that this is so late. Its been quite a crazy few months).

Always with love,

Mom