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One more minute and then I could pull out my TV tray, pour a nice glass of wine, and click on some form of reality nonsense that made me feel like my day wasn’t all that bad.  But I wasn’t sure if even  Nene could convince me I was rich today.  Ding!  Dinner was ready.  I pulled the pipping hot tray out the oven, ripped back that sticky plastic film, and put my feet up.  Due to our complete opposite work schedules my husband wouldn’t be home for hours.  This was indeed the most relaxing part of my day; my phone got silenced, the pants were unbuttoned, and the fork that I had turned into a shoveling mechanism was unleashed.

I had accepted that plate given to me in Life was beyond my control, but when I was home I ran my destiny…or so I thought.  I always started with a gulp of “day eraser”, or sometimes two.  After having the work day from hell, I decided that the “screw my job” TV dinner was the best choice for the evening and boy did it smell good.  Before I could even finish flipping through the channels half the plate was gone.  I plowed through the rest with no regret and moved on to dessert: a nice heaping of “built up anger” with ice cream on top.  But I didn’t stop there.  Throughout the night I snacked on a box of “take home work”, pieces of “resentment”, and even popped a bottle of “shame”.  You could stick a fork in me and I would have popped, but that didn’t  stop me from having the last bite of “who gives a …”.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks: the stomach ache of “guilt”.  I went to reach for a “pity party” phone call with a loved one, but for some reason just couldn’t dial the numbers.  I took a deep breath and attempted to fix this like I do all my other problems: with logic.  The amount of degrees I earned was valued at nearly half a million dollars, I clearly could solve a  problem.  I would just not eat all day tomorrow…clearly that wasn’t going to work.  Ok, maybe I would work out in the morning, but that would only leave me with about three hours of sleep after completing work at home.  I know, I would just take a pill, that always worked.  What pill do you take for overeating?…even google didn’t have a suggestion.

Then finally logic kicked in: there was no pill, no quick fix…only admittance.  I wasn’t one that was good at admitting flaws.  I was a doer, a fixer, a by any means “necessary-er”.  But humility, unfortunately, wasn’t a discriminator.   So I stood in front of the mirror, looked myself in the eyes, and confessed “I am an emotional eater”.  And then I laughed.  This was absured!  I had a Masters degree from USC there was no way food controlled me.  I walked out the bathroom, brushed my shoulders off, and tripped over a box of empty “embarrassment”.

Always with love,

Modo

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About MoDo

Hi There! I'm a 30 something woman who thought if I did things just right everything would fall into place.... boy was I rudely mistaken. So I thought what better than to share my life journey with the world; reminding people that just because things don't go as planned, doesn't mean they are not going. So here's a toast to our 30's: when things get a little more complicated, your political voice dwindles a tad, and true friends shine through. Here is to all the weddings, break ups, weekend trips, and alumni events. Here's to gaining weight, losing weight, grad school, and student loans. Here's to babies born, jobs we hate, co-workers turned friends, and passport stamps. Here's to not forgetting memories shared, changes to come, remembering who we are, and of course love.

10 responses »

  1. Love it!!! So funny because I recently realized the same thing about myself. And then I realized that I really have no excuse. My life isn’t that busy to where I can’t even spend 30 or 40 minutes exercising. I’m WALKING DISTANCE from my gym!!!!

    I started two weeks ago by adjusting what I eat and how much I eat and exercising 3 times a week for at least an hour. Already lost weight.

    We can do this!!! We can go from “living to eat” to “eating to live.”

    You go, Mo!! 🙂

    • Thanks Krystine! Though my life is hectic I still have no excuse either. I started Weight Watchers last week and its helped alot. And my goal is to work out three times a week as well to start off. I got ya back.

      • Absolutely! Weight Watchers is great; I did it last year for a few months. I had to cancel for financial reasons but I would start back up in a heartbeat. We both have crazy lives that we live for other people but it’s time to put ourselves on the list!! Love your blog.

  2. I can 100% relate to you, Monique!! I realized I also have an overeating problem in November 2009 and have been working on it ever since. I’ll e-mail you a link to the blog post where I made the realization and the public announcement about it too, I honestly think that talking through it on the blog helped keep me accountable and helped me make some big changes.
    We’re in this together! 🙂
    -Lisa

  3. That’s a hard realization to come to Mo but you are certainly not alone!!! I have to talk myself out of eating my feelings just about every day … just stick with it and remember you are worth more.

  4. Powerful post monique, and one so many can relate to. I think as women we sometimes give so much to others whether it be as a wife, mother, or in a particular profession that we’re left with an emotional void we try to fulfill using food. Thank you for opening up and shedding light on a battle many of us face everyday:-) love you girl and I couldnt be prouder of you and what you’re doing with this site!

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